wanting and waiting.

This past weekend I witnessed my nephew say, "I do" to his girlfriend of three years. The following day I hugged my niece good-bye for her second semester of her freshman year of college. It wasn't until the hotel door shut that I bawled. And I mean bawled.

Time has flown by and The Cousin Sleepovers are a thing of the past. Life continues and new memories are made.

Not being a mom is one of things in my life that stings. And not being married, hurts. It's the one area that makes me feel less than, patronized and lonely. Even writing those words makes me cringe. I fear the responses of people who mean well but only magnify how my life seems misunderstood.

But what I can't do is misunderstand how big God is. He is confusing but not discouraging. I can't view him through a distorted lens. I need to accept He is God.  And thank God,  I'm not.

Indeed, I would write my story differently. I'd be married, live somewhere warm, be a special education teacher and be a mom to twins. A boy and girl.

That's not my story.

So I live in this tension of wanting and waiting. Which turns into trusting. Believing the journey I am on is the exact story He's writing.

The life of less than, patron ism and loneliness is a lie. I can't live in that.

I choose to live in the moment. That moment may look like the ugly cry as my niece gets on a plane to college. Or it may mean watching my nephew drive away in a car marked JUST MARRIED. But it's His story, I just need to be faithful.

Don't misunderstand me, that doesn't mean I have to like it.